I could feel it in my heart.  I could not fight this indescribable vibe of sadness.

::sigh::

I know that death is a part of life. the time we spend with our loved ones is precious. every moment count. Hugs,kisses,laugher,smiling and even if it was a 5 minute conversation, its a piece of YOU, that affects me and makes a difference in my life.

 But the point is, we need to   ::TAKE A PAUSE:: and  press on the brakes from our chaotic lives of school and work.We’re all so busy. at times, so frustrated and stressed out, we forget to enjoy life. celebrate it  to live it; live it to love it everyday with loved ones. ::TAKE A PAUSE:: to look around and breathe in nature. ::cough cough:: well. with an exception with us Cali folk.  the smog can do damage to our lungs, I’m about to have a sinus attack thinking about it.

But most of all, we need to ::TAKE A PAUSE:: to get to know one another.  What if we never got a chance to say “I love you” or I”m sorry” or “please forgive me?”. We all need to ::TAKE A PAUSE:: and say HELLO. its what Matthew Kelly means when he says, ‘CARELESS TIMELESSNESS’. which is  spontaneous time with family and friends. its more than words, its taking action and getting to know each other like the first time.

What if I died tomorrow?  Would people in my life remember me as someone much more deeper than just “Little Miss Shy and Quiet” Antoinette? Will I be known to be  Amazing daughter and  ate/sister? a great friend? creative genius in writing and in art? loving,caring,kind? happy? or misunderstood as cold and stand off-ish? Will anyone remember me for my one of a kind personality? my sarcastic bitchy attitude,quick temper &slothfulness and the way I squirm when being tickled by guys?the crushes in my life, hopeless romanticism? did my smile or the way  laugh affect you life? the way I would stuff food on the side of my mouth, as a sign that I’m full, would you remember me for that? how bout my singing and dancing or my Christlike heart and Childlike spirit? will you still keep me in your memory for my quirky comments, text messages, out of the blue phone calls? I don’t know…these our one of many things I hope people will remember for? and lastly, my passion for NF Awareness. the attempt to make a differenct in the world? did I make a difference in yours?

The death of my classmate helped me realized I should not close off the world. I admit it and I know I am a difficult person to love. Letting my guard down means a risk of judgment and rejection. Everything I say or do, feels like a judgment. Will they like and accept my one of a kind personality?

I am so overprotective and oversensitive about getting hurt that at the same time, I’m missing out on great people as they are missing out on me too. And the ones who don’t care or don’t like me? I’ve peacefully accepted that. My life goes on with or without them. If its God’s will,we’ll  friends again. Let it be.

Most of all need to :;TAKE A PAUSE::and remember God’s greatest commandment of all, to keep loving one another, ’cause what we do take for granted, can be taken away  like a “thief in the night”.

And lastly, ::TAKe A PAUSE:; in celebrating life. BE HAPPY AND GRATEFUL of every blessing bestowed onto us.

R.I.P. Matthew Mascarenas-Cerritos High-Class of 1996.

(I wrote this  4 months ago in honor of my classmate Matt, but I also dedicate it to MJ-King of POP and of course, my LOLO, who has inspired me to LOVE & LIVE LIFE. I am so grateful for this past LSS weekend to be as strong  and courageous as I can for my family. The song “SEASONS OF LOVE” is everything we all should live up to.)